or....ODE TO A PISS TEST!
OK BIG COMPANIES LISTEN UP, I CAN SAVE YOU MILLIONS!!
Within the past year, I have taken 4 pre employment drug screens, and if you haven't taken one of these lately or never, let me fill you in on the wonderful experience....
First of all, you head to some random office building on some random floor, and for the most part these offices are poorly noticeable and I can only wonder why that is, then the fun begins, when you walk in no one is at the window (if there is a window) and usually there are several people sitting around who look at you like you're from another planet, now seeing I have done this 4 times, I know you SIGN IN and then wait for your name to be called, it's fairly easy and pretty intuitive to figure this kind of thing out, yet 95 percent of people that walk in don't get it, and God forbid anyone sitting around help you out on this fact, it's like they want to laugh at you for the same thing they just went through, apparently it's an unwritten rule, so on my last trip to piss test control, there was a line just to get in the door, basically because I guy was standing at the sign in counter waiting for someone to acknowledge him .... too funny.
It took exactly one hour to sign in and have my named called, of course from here the woman has the lines down pat on what to say, empty the contents of your pockets into this lock box, lock the box, take the key, no you keep the key, take this cup and pee in it, do NOT flush the toilet if you flush the toilet we start over (like I can pee on command that quickly) - it's at this point I should note that someone came out from the back and started pounding a ton of water and staring out the window, I was thinking he might have had stage fright, but now I wonder if the village idiot flushed - you can't blame the guy it's embedded in our brains to flush, heck I almost did it too ... I did say almost ....
OK, so of course I was pounding water all morning so I had no issue filling the cup, to which the woman said I only had to go to the line and ended up dumping most of it out ... hey I was proud of that come on !!! I should have peed everywhere in that damn bathroom, ladies I have no clue how you do it, you have to get it all over your hands, really how do you hold that cup in the right place and aim??? hold that thought.
At this point you get to wash your hands, initial the vials that in fact you just peed in, and get out.
This is when I asked the woman "I bet at night you say these lines in your sleep" which to she replied "GOD YES" and that really broke the ice, she was a machine until then, at that point we started to BS for about 5 minutes until I finally said "well I better get going" - damn I might still be there talking to her if I didn't cut it off .... poor woman. I wonder if these folks even have medical backgrounds ...
So here is where my "idea" on saving companies millions comes into place.
Do you ever wonder how there is probably a couple of people where you work that you swear has to be either stoned while they work or a stoner when they are not, it's not hard to spot, hey Joe what did you do this weekend? "oh man I don't even remember, woo hoo!!!" yeah OK have another joint, but hey we had to take a pee test to work here, well it's pretty much a breeze to pass a piss test these days, just go to "potspace" .com - yes like myspace but for stoners, there are several articles out there on how to pass a piss test amongst other things, so basically that test is worthless.
So there are two types of folks out there, those who will beat the test and those of us who are nice and clean, SO WHY DO COMPANIES SPEND MILLIONS ON THESE TESTS? I mean think about it, these med tox type labs must charge at least $100-200 bucks a pop to initiate these tests, times all of the folks tested, this can add up, HERE"S WHAT COMPANIES SHOULD DO....
Instead of having a pre employment test, what you should do is just talk of a random test at work, and let's say you REALLY screw something up, you know miss a comma and cost your company a few hundred grand, or you take a company car for a swim, whatever it might be, HEY THEN you might be required to go get tested within 24 hours or you're fired, period, make them sign that release before they start ... you put the fear of GOD in them, and you save millions in pre employment crap that is ineffective in what you are trying to do anyway. Is the whole random testing or testing if we think you're stoned policy legal? You're damn right it is, think about a job you've had where you SWEAR some of your co workers are tweaking ... you only wish you could test them. My current job that involves going in to airplanes and cockpits and not driving vehicles into the sides of airplanes ... if they think you are stoned or drunk or whatever, they can call security over and you go right to the pisser .... and yes we have fired folks on the spot for coming to work wacked out, I haven't seen it but I wish I had .....
So there you go big companies, stop the madness, it costs all of us wasted time and money, I can never get that hour back and I can't charge you for it either.
OK kids, stay clean, have a good night! :0)
